Countdown to a New Relationship with the One you already have

The Muir Woods are filled with redwood trees that have withstood fires, floods, droughts, earthquakes and environmental changes with their strong rooted foundation and unwavering goal. Although the middle tree is no longer among the tall, its roots remain alive and a family of trees grew around it from its roots. Its sustainability teaches us that torment cannot kill us, we still can create a strong and vibrant family.

Every new year numerous individuals are inspired to make a New Year's resolution. Gym clubs are crowded in January and then emptied by March. Some individuals make a note of their goals for the new year in their journal and at the end of the year look back and evaluate their accomplishments. Which person are you? How can you enrich your relationship with your partner and your family this new year?

Countdown to a rejuvenated year for you and your partner.

10         Set realistic goals

"An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Set realistic goals that are appropriate for yourself and your family and that will not only benefit you, but others around you as well. It's best to focus on goals that increase your internal growth rather than extrinsic goals. A goal that is harmonious, genuine and realistic will be easy to follow and accomplish throughout the year.

9          De-Stress

Research shows that small stresses are more harmful than single cataclysmic events.

Considering that stress is accumulative, find ways to counterbalance stress and find ways to avoid stressful situations. When small problems arise between you and your partner, address it and talk about it respectively. Other forms of stress can interfere in our interaction with our partner. Practice self-inquiry in order to discover the reasons of your stress. To learn more ways on how to handle stress or conflicts with your partner, attend a marriage education class in your neighborhood, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com/ for nationwide and http://www.camarriage.com/ for California.

8          Focus on the Positive

"Happiness consists more in small conveniences or pleasures that occur every day, than in great places of good fortune that happen but seldom." ~Benjamin Franklin

What is good about smoking? Have you ever stopped to think why a person continues to smoke even thought it's very harmful? Beyond the point that it's addicting, how many times a day do you stop what you are doing and give yourself a small break to revitalize your attention? These are some of the positive aspects of smoking, yet many times we only focus on what is negative. Don't just assume people are wrong, whether they are smoking, upset, nagging, avoiding, and so on, because there is a reason and it's best to find that reason to understand where they are coming from.

7       Nurture your stability

"Yes, know thyself: in great concerns or small, be this thy care, for this, my friend, is all." ~Juvenal

Recognize the things that give you stability and balance in life. When one is off balance by working too much, overly procrastinating, having a lot of conflict with your spouse or other family member are a few signs that one is off balance. Nurture your stability and invest in your foundation, whether it be repairing your relationship with your spouse or spending more time in your spiritual practice. Once you know your foundation, you have a clue of where to start as a first step when you are out of balance.

6      Exercise respectable nonverbal habits

39% of nonverbal communication include tone, inflexion, and other elements of the voice and 55% include body language, eye contact, etc.

Nonverbal communication is the way we use our body language and voice, such as pitch, speed, tone, voice volumes, gestures, facial expressions, proximity, body posture, eye movements, stance, eye contact, glance, and a pause. No matter how many times you say something, if the nonverbal message is disrespectful or does not match the with the your intended message, it can be perceived differently and inflict conflict.

5      Practice Empathy

According to J. Gottman, 69% of our problems are unresolvable.

Putting yourself in the other person's shoes can enrich the intimacy between you and your partner. The best way to take step outside of yourself and into your partner's world is to start by saying their name as yours and begin imagining yourself as them in the situation they have just described.

4      Relax

It is impossible for the nervous system to be tensed and relaxed at the same time.

Knowing this, you know you can't be happy and mad at the same time. When your body is tensing, it's best to relax it by doing breathing exercises and change into a better and healthier state for your body.

3      Create a Conflict-Resolution Plan

"The future depends on what we do in the present." ~Mahatma Gandhi

Doesn't have to be elaborate, it just has to work for you. The general guideline for a plan is to agree on a method of discussion so that both individuals feel understood. Write down the things that each person can do differently in order to prevent or lessen the conflict. A plan should be revised and changed if the steps fail to meet the needs of either individual.

2      Work as a team

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two." ~Doris M. Smith

Avoid seeing your partner as an enemy that is out to get you. Look at them as your team member and set goal together. We have seen numerous marriage education programs that stress the importance of the partner taking input from the other partner. Beyond the grocery list or what extra curriculur activity the children will be enrolled in, taking input from your partner establishes that you are both equal in the relationship and there is mutual respect between the two of you.

1      Happy New Year!

4 Holiday Remedies for Couples

Reflect on only four goals during this holiday season. Some families have already begun the celebrations, and other families are still in preparation. Whatever the case, consider the following elixirs for glorious holidays.

Relax. Holidays can add stress to any couple, no matter their situation. It's important to weigh out what is most important at the time of endless to-do lists and pressing deadlines. Make time for you and your partner that will nurture your time together not empty your wallet.

• A stroll at sunset
• Lunch together
• A glass of wine after the kids are asleep (put them to bed early)
• A film of shared interest
• Play a board game
• Enjoy a shared hobby (painting, exercising, biking, dancing, and so on)
• Visit to a local coffee shop
• Give each other a full body massage

Allow this to be a refreshing process for your mind and body, just as you rest your body by sleeping, rest your mind by relaxing.

Breathe. Breathing exercises can calm the nerves and slow down your brain waves. This will allow a calmer you to approach conflict or stressful situations. Look at the brain and see its functions when disciplining it with meditation. Find activities to support breathing techniques for 10 minutes a day. Two examples are:

• Yoga
• Meditation

If you are new to meditation, discover 100 benefits to meditating. Many books have easy instruction on how to meditate, such The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. 
 

Give. Deem yourself fortunate to have what you have at this very moment, because someone in this world has less than you. The only abundant giving I recommend during the holiday season is gratitude. Give your spouse or partner gratitude on specific things as often as you can. Make a note for yourself on the amount of times a day, or week, you would like to give your partner appreciation. Above all, give your partner an opportunity this year. When they have wronged, disappointed you, upset you, ignored you, and even forgotten to call you when they have been late, give them an opportunity, the benefit of the doubt. Find them worthy enough of your respect and give them an opportunity to love you.

• Appreciate (x amount of times a day or week)
• Opportunities (to try again and love you)

Touch. Caress and embrace your partner. Touch is highly recommended and therefore could not be merely suggested under Relax or Give. This is exceptionally therapeutic for anyone at any age. Touch is a reinforcement of your undying love for one another. Use and enjoy your most gratifying tool. 

When I looked up caress in the thesaurus as a verb, these are some of the terms I found:

• bear hug
• cuddle
• embrace
• feel
• hug 
• kiss
• make love
• massage
• nestle
• play around

 We wish you a delightful holiday season with many blessings to come! We hope you are in good company and surrounded by those that love and support you. And we encourage to read these remedies with deep contemplation to implement into your relationship and enjoy what the season has to offer you.

9 Ways to Reinforce the Enrichment of Your Marriage

Almost every parent that has had their special needs child in an extraordinary intervention, Applied Behavior Analysis, knows the significance of reinforcement, appreciations to B.F. Skinner. 

Without a doubt, when we look forward to doing something again we usually have a good memory because of the reinforcement behind it. If a child helps the mother clean the kitchen and they sing songs with much appreciation from the mother, the child will then be reinforced and will look forward to doing it again. 

Time and time again we were communicated as parents by the supervisor of our intervention not to give attention, good or bad, to the unwanted behavior. Once the wanted behavior was present, immediately reinforce it with something our son would like. Over the course of a year, it proved virtuous. 

We’ve detected the identical method we apply in our marriage and we teach it to numerous couples in diverse ways.

Why not make it clear that your were negatively effected by your partner's behavior?

Because that will either shut them down or have them react defensively. The off-balance will lead the discussion both to a fight.

Why is reinforcement so good? Can't I just say thank you after he/she cooked dinner?

To value your partner and relationship, it takes support and love. Appreciation that your partner will notice is much more valuable than saying thank you. A kiss on the cheek. A few more words that they love to hear often. Anything to make it more special than just a thank you is highly reinforcing and let's them know you care.

What if I constantly show negative reactions?

Then your partner will do it anyway. Giving negative attention is better than NO attention, it goes for adults just like it goes for children. If your partner gets some sort of attention from you it will not bother them as much as no attention, unconsciously of course. Then the person giving negative feedback will seem like a nag and never positive. Small attempts are very important, it can build a stable foundation.

9 Ways to Reinforce the Enrichment of Your Marriage

 1. Compliment.

Let your partner know what you admire about them in a specific way

2. Patience.
Give your partner a second chance by giving them the benefit of the doubt. This alone can encourage your partner.

3. Physical Touch.
Make a habit to rub their back, reach for their hand, or hold their hands (if your partner likes it).

4. Opportunities.
Give your partner opportunities to make efforts. Avoid blocking it with negative attention.

5. Smile.
Approaching your partner with a smile will set the mood for the both of you.

6. Curiosity.

It's best to be curious instead of to judge. Ask why your partner said or did that. Inquire it with humility.

7. Appreciate.
Always acknowledge the small things your partner does for you, the family, the household, and for themselves. It is a great way to show your support.

8. Reward.
Give your partner a special treat for doing something out of their comfort zone for you. The chances of doing that again will multiply. 

9. Inquire.

Ask your partner to list 10 ways that would reinforce them to do something again.

 

Who are Mr. & Mrs. Loveland?

As we began to collect the memories of our life together thus far, we commenced an enrichment. We would have not reached this "extra credit" intimacy if it weren't for our participation as a sharing couple for The Third Option. To be able to share our story in English and Spanish has given us twice the enjoyment. The long preparation has slowed down our hurry to process the past we forgot to mend when we didn't have skills. This volunteer opportunity is the disguise of our closure to our difficult, and yet, rewarding past.

Now, we open up, with our readers to share a personal story on the difficulties we faced and the ill-mannered behavior we chose. To come far from that and share with pride the length we've fought through. Read with an open heart and open mind. It is our gift to you as we welcome you into our most vulnerable moments, and life-changing turning points.




ALFRED:

I met Lucy at a social gathering after High School prom. From there on it was like my eyes turned into little red hearts and I walked around with my tongue sticking out. I told Lucy that I had found a needle in a room with hundreds of haystacks.


We would stay up talking for hours, our childhoods were similar and that made it seem as if she could understand exactly where I was coming from.


I felt a lot of acceptance and understanding from Lucy. She was very attractive and comfortable to be around. Time seemed to fly by whenever I was around her.

LUCY:

I thought Alfred was very attractive. I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. He was very respectful of me; he didn’t push me, and allowed me to take my time to get to know him.


Our first dates were full of deep conversations. We could talk about many things like our childhood, our goals, dreams, likes and dislikes, and found so much in common with each other.


I definitely felt very comfortable sharing my true feelings with him on various subjects that I found normally very difficult to share with anyone else. When he told me that he saw me as his wife, that didn’t scare me away and that seemed to make perfect sense to me. I didn’t see my life any other way.

ALFRED:

We got married on June 24, 2004 and moved into our own place together. Now that we lived together it wasn’t so easy to avoid her when we got into arguments before calling a truce. They say some men and women are like “cats and dogs,” we were more like “T.Rex vs King Kong.” How did we go from being able to talking about everything and anything… to this?


We didn’t know how to resolve conflicts, we didn’t even really know how to talk respectfully to one another to get our message across.


How could we know, we had never seen this role modeled in our homes and it’s something we certainly didn’t learn in school.


Five months after we were married we got news that we were expecting a baby. I had a strong awareness that we were having so much trouble in our marriage. We both knew that we needed to break this cycle.

LUCY:

Growing up I got my way often, more than I should have. When I didn’t get my way, I had mild tantrums, but I simply expressed my feelings and advocated well for myself. I was told that I would be a good lawyer someday.


When I would disagree with my husband, I advocated for myself like an erupting volcano. We had considered divorce and yet, I didn’t really want to fail at marriage.


We knew we needed help and so we read several books for troubled couples and attended marriage education classes.


I expected the change to happen fast and be permanent. I wanted my marriage to be perfect. The advice I got from the books I read weren’t to tell my husband what he needed to change rather to address the things I needed to change in myself.


I actually had to work on myself. I knew it was going to require effort to sustain the change and time to not fall back on my bad habits.

ALFRED:

My son and my faith helped give me the awareness that I needed to take action and make fundamental changes. I love my wife, so I told her that our insurance had now added family therapy to the list of services offered.


We began going and it proved very useful in getting some of the unspoken stuff out in the air. Once this happened we were able to begin solving some of our issues, with help ofcourse.


I learned that what I didn’t share with my wife, would only go under the rug and later erupt like a volcano. I had to begin being very honest with my feelings. Therapy wasn’t enough for us, we also read and listened to several books on marriage and relationships.


We attended couples classes and began learning about some of the crucial techniques that improved our communication. The process of improving our relationship was gradual, we fell back into destructive patterns at first but as we continued to uphold our commitment, things got better and better.


The most important decision I made in the course of this time was the commitment to always be respectful in conflict and to use “I statements.” Using “I statements force me to speak about my own situation and avoid interpreting the things my wife was saying and doing.


We stopped wasting so much time arguing and disagreeing we became more efficient and started fostering real intimacy between the two of us.

LUCY:

I learned to make a gradual change through the marriage courses we took. I must have read the wrong books, because I lost hope by reading them. It described our arguments to be destructive and without repair. In contrast, the diverse marriage education classes gave us lots of hope and taught us skills.


To really change, we decided to have date nights, and that all of our date nights would be at a marriage education class. So there would be structure and productiveness.


I began to mend the fear I had of losing my way. I didn’t know that a win-win situation did exist. As I was more patient and less nagging, I began to notice a change in my husband.


I learned to share my feelings in a skillful way to obtain his cooperation. I also learned to hear him without bombarding him.


I got to meet the true Alfred and see how beautiful he is inside. I realized how lucky I was that he chose me as his wife.

ALFRED:

We’ve come a long way from where we started 8 yrs ago when we first met. We have learned that it’s best to keep bad influences away from our marriage. We’ve replaced our old bad habits and patterns with respect, listening, turn taking and conversation.


The stability and nurture that I get from my marriage today is something that nothing else in this world can give me. In conclusion, I can say without a doubt that it was worth the journey.

LUCY:

It has been an incredible change we have faced together. A change I am proud of today.


As we continue on our journey, it is wonderful to share this with our son and most importantly, share our life together.


I feel confident that our marriage can face any challenges with the foundation we build it for on a daily basis.

10 Needs for Couples to Succeed

What does a couple need in order to succeed? What does a couple need in order to have a healthy relationship? What is at the base of improving health, job performance, mental health, emotional health, parenting skills, human interaction, success in school, and safety? ........Healthy Relationships.

Time

How much time does the average person spend watching TV a day? How much time does the average person spend with their partner a week?

"An average American at age seventy-five years old will watch a total of fourteen years of uninterrupted TV.....The majority of couples share feelings less than 30 minutes a week......The average American spends four hours or more watching TV a day......Most people spend less than 25 minutes making love." ~Godek. In order to value something, there needs to be an investment. Time is the most important and priceless gift that a couple can give each other. Make that a weekly goal to spend more time with your partner even if your work schedule is hectic.

Emotional Management

When in a disagreement how well do you handle your anger? Do you notice your frustration and immediately take a time out and follow a plan to cool off?

It is important to maintain respect for each other even in an argument. Even occasional put downs will harm the relationship. Make sure you take time-outs early before saying something you'll regret. During your time-out focus on positive thoughts and distract yourself and prepare what you will say to return with cooperation.

Attention

How many times do you greet your partner with warmth and affection when they get home from work? How many times a day do you show an act of love to your partner?

The small acts of attention add up throughout the day without having to spend money or too much time. A maintenance well worth it. We maintain our cars, our health, our teeth, our job, our house, our friendships, and maybe even our hobbies. Maintenance #1 is our marriage.

Positivity

How often do you make a negative or critical comment to your partner? How often do you compliment each other?

One of Gottman's success predictors is a ratio of 5:1 or better of positive to negative interactions. Learn more. "A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes. " ~Gandhi

Romance

How does your partner feel loved? How do you feel loved? Are they the same ways?

Discover the specifics of what makes you and your partner feel swept off your feet. Practice doing them often. Read books to support your learning and experience.

Love Making

How satisfied does your partner feel? How do you want to improve?

Romance sometimes leads to an intimate connection. Let it lead and enjoy each other.

Communication

How honest are you about sex, money, in-laws, or fears? How tactful are you in speaking to your partner to get their cooperation?

Communication is the key to unlocking the heart. Being able to let each other know your honest opinion without blame. To speak and at the same time invite into the conversation. Learning skills for communication is a wonderful practice with many benefits.

Empathy

Do you see your partner's point of view? Do you feel understood in your relationship?

Empathy is the most essential piece to your relationship. Without it you might not get very far. Use it with attention and focus, as much as you can, and with genuineness. Learn more.

Accepting Differences

Do you love your partner fully, the good and the bad? Do you accept each other's differences? 

"For it to work, you both have to come out of your comfort zone." ~Steven Stosny. Look at your differences as a great use, to complement each other and help each other mature. 

Cultural Support

Do you see many movies on the widescreen and tv shows that portray an ideal image of a healthy couple? Do you want to see role models and find accessible resources for couples of all ages, of all stages and of all backgrounds?

"Be the change that you want to see in the world." ~Gandhi. We can change today's society to a better future. Couples are learning and succeeding by the hand of couples that are reaching out in their community. Sharing a story of your own can give another relationship hope. Together we can do it. It takes a village to sustain a healthy relationship. Trade Association.

 

Attention

When you shower me with attention

I feel easily respected

Because you do it in such a loving fashion

I feel pleasingly blessed

The focused time you spend with me

Grows us intimately

An affectionate, gracious gift from thee

Cultivating us safely

That attention so fine and complete

Has given me worthy

An abode of love where we retreat

To a home that is healthy

What is Attention?

Derived from the Latin word attendere, which means "to turn one's mind towards" and others would conclude also to turn one's senses.

An attention that is interactive, focused and undistracting is the most beneficial for our emotional survival.

What does it mean to a child?

A place where discipline and love begin. Remember your childhood and when someone special to you was giving you their full attention. An interaction that is focused and not distracted.

Shower me with your love

Guide me with your shove

If you ignore me

You will fill me with insecurity

When I call you nicely

Your response is so kindly

If this time you don't reply

I will misbehave with a cry

If you ignore my whine

I will take it as a sign

That you will pay attention to me

When I behave calmly

What does Attention mean to a Child?

Children's safety comes from discipline and guidance. While parents play with their children they are guiding them. A child feels special with attention and will work harder to obtain more of it. Whether through good or bad behavior. Applied Behavior Analysis is an intervention for children with a diagnosis, however, the intervention would benefit even a typical child. Although it is expensive, finding books on the topic will provide invaluable parenting tools. Their thoery rests on attention and reinforcement. Although reinforcement is attention. A great start to connect with your child and to give them their emotional stability starts with the love you show your child. The Five Love Languages for Children guides you through the steps.

What does Attention mean to a Couple?
When we, Alfred and Lucinda, give each other attention it is the way we feel loved. Specifically, we each ask for a type of attention that will evoke that love. When attention isn't there then unconsciously resentment begins to arise to the awareness and not the reason of why the resentment is there in the first place. Without attention, there isn't intimacy, because it is not allowed to grow. Like my good friend says, "Love equals Attention." See his theory below.

What is the Point of Giving Attention if my Partner Doesn't Notice?

"I came home one day and the kitchen was clean, the car was washed and detailed, the bathroom had no more toys in the tub, the clothes I left on the floor in the morning were washed and folded. The entire house was spotless and I noticed it all. Since I had a hard day at work I came home wanting to feel loved and welcomed and the clean house did help, I was grateful. However, I wanted to feel loved and romanced," Lucinda shares. "I would feel loved if I walked in and the house was clean. That would brighten up my day," Alfred adds.

Here you read that Alfred and Lucinda feel loved in different ways. So what is the point of giving attention if my partner doesn't notice? Change the way you give attention. Ask your partner how would they feel loved, ask for their guidance and let them know how you would feel loved.

Lucinda says, "I feel loved when you welcome me home with a big hug and a long kiss. I love it when you tell me and let me know that you love me when I get home or when you tell me that you are happy to have me home. I feel important." Alfred empathizes (to learn more on empathy, a key component on communication, read our blog 10 Reasons Why the Art of Empathy is Enriching for Couples). Alfred shares his world, "I love it when I come home and see the living room and toys cleaned up. It confirms that what is important to me is also important to my wife. So our values are the same and I feel intimate and valued." Lucinda shows understanding.

Now Lucinda and Alfred have shared how they feel loved and know more about each other and about themselves. Furthermore, they will need more ideas of more ways to give love. First off, they will apply what they have learned. Their attention can now be interactive, instead of being parallel. After the first week, or even first day, they will run out of ideas.

"How else do you feel loved," Alfred asks Lucinda. "Well, when you give me a neck rub when I've had a long day. I feel very special and I relax. It's very blissful to feel relaxed by my husband."

Discover more with each other, ask each other, and make a list or highlight what you like from the book we suggested below. We, Alfred and Lucinda, have made our own personal lists and we keep it in easy access to read off each other's and update it when needed.

Why do We Like Attention?
Although everyone has a different background and likes and dislikes, the one thing we all have in common as human beings is our need for attention. Gary Chapman describes it well in his book, The 5 Love Languages, when explaining our Love Tank. Compared to the gas tank in our car, which can be easily refilled, we can't walk around with an empty Love Tank. Since the Love Tank can't be easily refilled and if we were to walk around with empty Love Tank it would be more damaging to us than if our car ran out of gas. Our car can be serviced if it stops running, but if our relationship or marriage stops running and is in a state of emergency we can't simply call for someone to fix it and we stand to lose much more under this condition.

Go Show Your Partner Love and Attention!

How to Grow a Happier Relationship

A true home is our sanctuary, a place where we feel safe and loved. It is wonderful to be able to come home and know that there is someone there that loves us and welcomes us everyday. Or to know that the person coming home loves us and nurtures us and our needs. A place of protection and an abode of love. We all want a strong and stable marriage that respects our needs and gives us a special place. What can we contribute from ourselves to maintain this or reach it if we do not have that yet?

• Be Clear about Your Needs. "I don't want..." pushes away the ones you love. "I want..." sends a clear message that is direct and respectful. When you order ice cream, you don't say "I don't want rocky road", and then the ice-cream shop employee responds, "What would you like?" "Eh, I don't want rocky road, or vanilla, or chocolate chip." "What would you Like?" "Can't you hear me, I don't want that, give me what I want." "What do you want?"

• Verbalize & Actualize Your Feelings. Your partner will be reminded of your affection and be happy more often when they know of your affection. If you are asking your partner to also let you know of their affection, it is wonderful to give them that attention the way they want it also. Lyrics from "That's how you know" (Enchanted) are as follows..."How does she know that you really, really, truely love her? Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind? Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday. That's how you know, that's how you know! He's your love... " These are daily investments into the relationship.

• Gratitude. Hearing a "Thank you" can be as strong as saying "I love you." At least one a day will keep the Therapist away. Complaints will feed negative reactions that will not be easily brushed away. Appreciations are the cleansing part of a relationship and the beginning of a Healthy Relationship, a place to start when the relationship has been through a lot of pain.

• Positivity. A gentleman in one of our classes told us that when his wife is positive even when in an argument, she becomes so much more attractive. Being positive is attractive! Also, positivity attracts more positivity. It's very hard to switch out and keep a chin up when things have been very delicate, and at the same time it is therapeutic to get our a smile and enthusiasm for life.

• Dreams do Come True! Our relationship (Lucinda & Alfred) when hitting the rocks seemed to be under water with no way out. Many professionals, and people that we respected, believed our marriage to fail because of many factors: the age we married (too young), our lack of education, low income, and for being young parents. We will be married six years this coming June and after heavy turmoil we were the only ones that believed we could fix our problems, and it only took us two...no one else. Our circumstances now are completely different from the ones we started in. Under our skin we have courage, hope, faith, enthusiasm, and we are conquerors. That is what we believe and we refuse to believe otherwise.

• Not One Size Fits All. Each relationship needs its own individualized plan. Our son has high-functioning autism and he receives an annual IEP (Individualized Education Plan) to keep up to speed on his goals and accomplishments. As a couple, we set our own annual plans for our marriage's stability and maintenance. Every couple has different needs, just like every single human being is different and unique, so are couples. There are the basic needs some may have in common, however, the detail and depth a relationship needs in order to succeed would benefit undergoing a customized plan to fit the needs of both people in the relationship. A couple wants to succeed together not apart.

• Nurture Each Other. Endure moments of growth together, and celebrate each other's success. It's comforting to be nurtured. The place where you are loved is the place where you will call home. Your home is your sanctuary.

 It is important to feel loved and respected in your home. It is a place where you rest and spend your leisure time away from work. Even with children, the quality time spent human to human is priceless and irreplaceable.

Happy Parents Happy Kids

Many countries (except the United States) celebrate Día del Niño (Children's Day) one day a year. Even China and Japan. A great day for a child to just feel special no matter what is going on around them. With Mother's Day here and Father's Day around the corner, these days are wonderful to celebrate as an entire family. Recently released by the U.S. Census Bureau this past November 2009, there are approximately 26% of children (21.8 million children) living in a single parent home in the U.S. Not many have the privilege to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day with both biological parents. In 2008 California Healthy Marriage Coalition surveyed 2,500 Californian adults and within them, "69% of previously divorced respondents believe their own divorce 'negatively affected their children' to some or to a great extent."

Michael Reagan's Definition of Divorce (son of Ronald Reagan):
"Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess." 

Who role models good communication skills to children?

Almost all the couples we have met in our workshops that are parents, are concerned with their role modeling. Many parents don't want to be a defective example to their children. Yet our own parents didn't know the best communication skills and we learned from them how to talk in our interpersonal relationships.

One of the most valuable benefits that can come out of investing in a marriage, is the opportunity that it gives children to grow up with plenty of resources to nourish them. Parents that invest their time in marriage education, not only become good listeners and communicators to their spouse, but they also become good listeners and communicators to their children.

What do the kids get out of an investment in your marriage? 

• Love

• Financial Support

• Security

• Self-Esteem

• Attention

Our Son.

Our experience with our 4-year-old son that was diagnosed with a mild autistic disorder at the age of three has been an incredible one. He has improved exceptionally. Some of his service providers make statements that he doesn't have autism. Our son's success has only been possible through the love and priority we have given him. By fostering good communication and respect for each other we've been able to help our son reach his potential.

Although we put him as a priority, our marriage never has taken the back seat. In order to provide our son with the best intervention possible and maintain our marriage, we continuously work at it on a daily basis.

Happy Parents Happy Kids.

When we hit our bump in the road and we didn't know how to communicate, our son was our glue to never speak or behave disrespectfully in from of him. When we had poor skills and used sarcasm, criticism, sneering, and those mild attempts to irritate .... our son would catch us. Those moments were embarrassing because we wanted to behave like adults, not operate with defensiveness. Our son has taught us patience, positivity, humor, and given us unconditional love. 

Yesterday morning at breakfast time our son was near us when we gave each other a big kiss, and he embraced us by hugging our legs and said "kiss, kiss." We see he is most happy when we have our daily "family hugs" after school. All three of us cuddle and kiss each other's cheeks, then relax with our arms still around each other. A moment when he says, "I'm so happy." 

10 Reasons Why the Art of Empathy is Enriching for Couples

As I mirror your feelings through your eyes
I enter your world to understand you at this moment
Then we both see things clearly in your inner life
As we deepen further for initmacy to forment

I have left me and become You
I now feel what you feel
I can see your cause and not your blame 
I am capable to mend past concerns as you heal

And in turn feel your bliss and your wish
A priviledge so honorable and remarkably profound
A wakening for my soul not to miss
A place where we are safe and sound

What is the definition of Empathy? According to Wikipedia, many have many definitions. Here are a few of our favorites:

• Roy Schafer: Empathy involves the inner experience of sharing in and comprehending the momentary psychological state of another person
• Edith Stein: Empathy is the experience of foreign consciousness in general
• Simon Baron-Cohen (2003): Empathy is about spontaneously and naturally tuning into the other person's thoughts and feelings, whatever these might be [...]There are two major elements to empathy. The first is the cognitive component: Understanding the others feelings and the ability to take their perspective [...] the second element to empathy is the affective component. This is an observer's appropriate emotional response to another person's emotional state
• Khen Lampert (2005): "[Empathy] is what happens to us when we leave our own bodies...and find ourselves either momentarily or for a longer period of time in the mind of the other. We observe reality through her eyes, feel her emotions, share in her pain

Why couples should practice this in their communication? By determining the root of the problem, most issues are solved. When conflict arises between a couple, there is an opportunity to be fully listened to and understood. The most effective way we have witnessed such experience is with the practice of the Art of Empathy.

Why is this important? When our partner knows our most vulnerable feelings we have connected intimately. Keep in mind, intimacy does not only involve making love.

How can a partner show empathy when they are upset? We always recommend that the one that is most upset shares their feelings first and then switch places. Using an object for the one expressing feelings (and not empathizing at the time) will help keep track of who is talking.

How will a relationship benefit from empathy? Ask yourself how would you feel if when you and your partner were upset or happy about a situation and your partner completely understood all your feelings and why you would see it that way without bringing in their own thoughts to the conversation.

Each person gets a turn to share their feelings without interruption and feel completely understood. So why is this good for the relationship?

10 Reasons Why the Art of Empathy is Enriching for Couples:

1. You and your partner will build trust for each other.
2. When there is trust, you and your partner will be able to share your most vulnerable feelings with safety.
3. It releases feelings off your shoulders and allows healing when in need
4. Reduces stress and anger..
5. Improves compassion within your relationship.
6. It is easy to practice and enjoy. Not a mundane activity that feels like work. It is so rewarding that it becomes addicting.
7. You and your partner will learn more about each other and about yourselves.
8. Allows you to genuinely understand and appreciate your partner.
9. You develop an open mind by stepping into another person's world (viewpoint).
10. You can use it with coworkers, friends, children, the lady at the grocery store and just about anybody.

How do I do this wonderful tool? It does take commitment and most importantly...practice. Just like we learn how to drive a car. We are unfamiliar at first and then with practice it is second nature to us.

5 Simple Steps to using Empathy with your Partner:

1. Start with body language! Face each other, knee-to-knee, and don't slouch back. Lean forward and begin with curiuosity. (We hold hands and it adds more intimacy.)
2. While listening create a video of the experience in your head, don't interrupt, don't ask questions, and become the other person by being them.
3. When reflecting their feelings start by saying their name as yours (e.g. Alfred says when empathizing, "I as Lucinda"), breifly cover the event and facts, and focus more on the feelings the person experienced during this event, even the feelings that weren't said. When saying the feelings use a tone of certainty and slowness. Feelings are just one word, e.g. "I feel unloved."
4. When done, allow your partner to correct you if you named a feeling that wasn't correct for them. When your partner has given you more information, then repeat again back to them focusing on the feelings.
5. Each time you are done reflecting, ask graciuosly "Is there more?" If your partner is finished, ask "Do you feel understoond?" If your partner feels completely understood then you will switch places and if you are using an object to distinguish who is expressing their feelings and who is listening, then you will recieve the object and your partner will empathize. Note: you will know you understood your partner by the look on their face, a sigh, tears, or even laughter.

When learning something it is best to:

• Have a mentor coach you through your dialogue.
• Practice with easy topics to begin with (e.g. appreciations, favorite dating memories, etc).
• Slowly work your way up to issues, starting with small annoyances (e.g. leaving the clothes on the floor) to bigger issues.

Keep in mind:

• These conversations can last from 20 minutes to months on the same topic. For a one time sitting, they have lasted up to 4 hours.

Post any questions you may have below.

Morning Glow-ry!

Our favorite time together is when we have breakfast as we share each other's company, goals, dreams, and our passion, love and cooking. It is great to spend time with the one you love. The best moment is when we get to hold each other at night and appreciate one thing or many things that day. It's very rewarding to hear an appreciation from your partner. It reinforces the greatness of efforts.

We teach couples to reinforce those small efforts when a habit is being changed. A habit change to cleaning in the kitchen has increased because of encouragement in our relationship.

The small attempts needs positive reinforcement in order to want to be done again.

When our son receives an outcome that he likes for whatever action he did, he will most likely do it again. If he doesn't like the outcome, he will less likely do it again.

Same goes for us and probably others too. For example:

• If a child is continuously hurt or scared by the experience of getting his haircutt, that will condition him either to create an aversion or avoid getting haircutts in the future.
• In contrast, if the parent is reassuring and supportive through the process and a child gets a lollipop at the end of the haircutt, this outcome will condition a desirable experience for the child.

The key element is pairing:

• If a woman resorts to insulting her partner when he refuses to talk about feelings it will condition him to avoid the situation or react defensively. If you pair talking about sensitive issues and hurt feelings with nagging and disrespect then the situation becomes undesirable.
• If you pair talking about a senstive topic with kind words, respect, and warmth then the situation becomes desirable, and even sought after.

Learn more on BF Skinner's theory.

Adam & Louie

Falling in love with a person on the autism spectrum can be rewarding and challenging, depending on the perspective of the person falling in love. Although the character Beth, in the movie Adam, defended the possibility of an intimate relationship, her hope didn't match her expectations in him.


She sought a relationship and yet held back on the full outlook. She lets her mother know that she will never be able to experience a moment when they can look into each other's eyes and say "I love you." Feelings signified connection for her and therefore saw Adam as incapable of holding up to her standards as it wasn't particularly easy for him to express feelings. While many adults on the spectrum are getting married and have learned to express their feelings in a committed relationship.


Our son Louie has developed recognition towards his feelings at only age 4. As parents we constantly identify his feelings so he is aware of the importance of what causes his impulsiveness at times. He has learned to say "I love you" without prompt as well as "I'm frustrated" and "I'm sad." His focus is on objects and may inappropriately use the phrase "I'm sad", when he really means "I'm tired." However small the steps, it is still very powerful.


We see many characteristics in Louie and Adam that are similar, which involve attention, consistency, task-attending habits, organization, follow-up, and being very well informed on topics of their interest.

Adam and Louie also have their strong differences with social etiquette. Children or adults with autism or its type are considered to be anti-social and one would simply assume from most cases. Furthermore, two children with the same diagnosis(es) will still be very different. Louie is not anti-social, he has deficits in social understanding and therefore has minor social impairments. Minor because he is very social and loving.


For example, Adam prefers to people watch and not include himself in groups. Louie on the other hand, prefers to introduce himself by hugging and talking to everyone. Adam experiences anxiety at the the attempt to attend social gatherings and Louie may cross social boundaries by inappropriately invading the personal space of others, which only affect young children at this point.


Although different in their social interactions, when in a conversation, both will focus their communication on the topic of their interest.





Even though one of our subjects is a fictitious character, his character is based on true facts known of those with Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's Syndrome is a high-functioning autism considered to be on the spectrum.


When my son was diagnosed with high functioning autism, we ordered our 100-day kit from Autismspeaks.org to go through the next a hundred days after the diagnosis. We discovered in our reading that those with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) are very honest and it is difficult for them to lie.


Although Adam avoids socializing compared to Louie, innocence and perseverance remains with both of them.


Adam is a great film that reveals a diagnosis mislabeled as a disability by taking the viewer to the personal life of a 29-year old man and his setbacks and triumphs. The creators of this film were able to capture the amazing strengths Aspie's have to offer. As the viewers, we had the opportunity to step into Adam's world, different of our own, and empathize his way of thinking. An educational tool for the world to view.

Modern Romance

Modern techonology with modern love is an innovative and a further way to say "I love you." Even though our new method of communication is fresh, substituting the degree of affection we share with each other is irrecplaceable and incomparable. When you add positives to the relationship instead of exchanging positives, then that becomes a significant benefit for your relationship.

In our personal relationship, we knew we wanted more attention from each other; as a result we used the internet for resources to pick and chose our favorites. We wanted to find a collection of creative ideas that we would be endless for us to choose from. Because we discovered we feel cared for in different ways. Alfred feels loved when the house is picked up or the kitchen is clean and Lucinda feels loved when read poetry to, for example.

• Find your "love button." What specifically ignites your love fire? Do you like to hear sweet nothings, get a foot rub, or receive a love letter with a pressed flower inside? Auditory, Kinesthetic, or Visual? Simplify your search by listing individualy 10 things that help you feel loved. Narrow down your "love button." Use the Date Night Deck for fun times with your "love button."
• Use social network sites to flirt. Flirt with each other on Facebook. A great book just released in March 2010 is Facebook and Your Marriage, by Jason & Kelli Krafsky.
• Read inspiring quotes to each other. Use the internet for a google search on love quotes that inspire both of you. Personalize your search to include humor, romance, history, and even quotes by inspiring people like Shakespeare, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and many more. We have collected some in our own webste, Loveland Relationship.
• Search for marriage/relationship blogs. To keep up to date with relationship articles for your relationship you can sign up to RSS feeds to articles that you like and become a fan through facebook to many wonderful organizations that provide links to fantastic articles. Join Loveland Relationship's Facebook fanpage to receive links or quotes related to relationships.
• Purchase a book of ideas. Our personal favorite is 10,000 ways to say I love you, off of Amazon. A great way to never run out of ideas.
• Create an email only the two of you share. It is a great way to reconnect and surprise your partner with a love letter through email.
• Create a website about the two of you. It is common for engaged couples to develop a website centered around their wedding, and many provide hosting for free for only a certain period of time. It's a wonderful way to share with family, friends, and others the joy of your relationship even after the wedding. Remember, the happily ever after comes after the wedding day and it is renewed everyday while working hard at your marriage or relationship.
• Search for marriage/relationship education classes or retreats in your community. California Healthy Marriage Coalition, SmartMarriages, OCMarriage, Loveland Relationship, are to name a few sites where to begin a search that will transform your relationship. Learn skills that will enrich your relationship and strengthen even in weak times.

Using your resources for a higher intention, is an investment in your relationship worth giving. It's a journey worth traveling, and a song worth singing.