10 Reasons Why the Art of Empathy is Enriching for Couples

As I mirror your feelings through your eyes
I enter your world to understand you at this moment
Then we both see things clearly in your inner life
As we deepen further for initmacy to forment

I have left me and become You
I now feel what you feel
I can see your cause and not your blame 
I am capable to mend past concerns as you heal

And in turn feel your bliss and your wish
A priviledge so honorable and remarkably profound
A wakening for my soul not to miss
A place where we are safe and sound

What is the definition of Empathy? According to Wikipedia, many have many definitions. Here are a few of our favorites:

• Roy Schafer: Empathy involves the inner experience of sharing in and comprehending the momentary psychological state of another person
• Edith Stein: Empathy is the experience of foreign consciousness in general
• Simon Baron-Cohen (2003): Empathy is about spontaneously and naturally tuning into the other person's thoughts and feelings, whatever these might be [...]There are two major elements to empathy. The first is the cognitive component: Understanding the others feelings and the ability to take their perspective [...] the second element to empathy is the affective component. This is an observer's appropriate emotional response to another person's emotional state
• Khen Lampert (2005): "[Empathy] is what happens to us when we leave our own bodies...and find ourselves either momentarily or for a longer period of time in the mind of the other. We observe reality through her eyes, feel her emotions, share in her pain

Why couples should practice this in their communication? By determining the root of the problem, most issues are solved. When conflict arises between a couple, there is an opportunity to be fully listened to and understood. The most effective way we have witnessed such experience is with the practice of the Art of Empathy.

Why is this important? When our partner knows our most vulnerable feelings we have connected intimately. Keep in mind, intimacy does not only involve making love.

How can a partner show empathy when they are upset? We always recommend that the one that is most upset shares their feelings first and then switch places. Using an object for the one expressing feelings (and not empathizing at the time) will help keep track of who is talking.

How will a relationship benefit from empathy? Ask yourself how would you feel if when you and your partner were upset or happy about a situation and your partner completely understood all your feelings and why you would see it that way without bringing in their own thoughts to the conversation.

Each person gets a turn to share their feelings without interruption and feel completely understood. So why is this good for the relationship?

10 Reasons Why the Art of Empathy is Enriching for Couples:

1. You and your partner will build trust for each other.
2. When there is trust, you and your partner will be able to share your most vulnerable feelings with safety.
3. It releases feelings off your shoulders and allows healing when in need
4. Reduces stress and anger..
5. Improves compassion within your relationship.
6. It is easy to practice and enjoy. Not a mundane activity that feels like work. It is so rewarding that it becomes addicting.
7. You and your partner will learn more about each other and about yourselves.
8. Allows you to genuinely understand and appreciate your partner.
9. You develop an open mind by stepping into another person's world (viewpoint).
10. You can use it with coworkers, friends, children, the lady at the grocery store and just about anybody.

How do I do this wonderful tool? It does take commitment and most importantly...practice. Just like we learn how to drive a car. We are unfamiliar at first and then with practice it is second nature to us.

5 Simple Steps to using Empathy with your Partner:

1. Start with body language! Face each other, knee-to-knee, and don't slouch back. Lean forward and begin with curiuosity. (We hold hands and it adds more intimacy.)
2. While listening create a video of the experience in your head, don't interrupt, don't ask questions, and become the other person by being them.
3. When reflecting their feelings start by saying their name as yours (e.g. Alfred says when empathizing, "I as Lucinda"), breifly cover the event and facts, and focus more on the feelings the person experienced during this event, even the feelings that weren't said. When saying the feelings use a tone of certainty and slowness. Feelings are just one word, e.g. "I feel unloved."
4. When done, allow your partner to correct you if you named a feeling that wasn't correct for them. When your partner has given you more information, then repeat again back to them focusing on the feelings.
5. Each time you are done reflecting, ask graciuosly "Is there more?" If your partner is finished, ask "Do you feel understoond?" If your partner feels completely understood then you will switch places and if you are using an object to distinguish who is expressing their feelings and who is listening, then you will recieve the object and your partner will empathize. Note: you will know you understood your partner by the look on their face, a sigh, tears, or even laughter.

When learning something it is best to:

• Have a mentor coach you through your dialogue.
• Practice with easy topics to begin with (e.g. appreciations, favorite dating memories, etc).
• Slowly work your way up to issues, starting with small annoyances (e.g. leaving the clothes on the floor) to bigger issues.

Keep in mind:

• These conversations can last from 20 minutes to months on the same topic. For a one time sitting, they have lasted up to 4 hours.

Post any questions you may have below.

Morning Glow-ry!

Our favorite time together is when we have breakfast as we share each other's company, goals, dreams, and our passion, love and cooking. It is great to spend time with the one you love. The best moment is when we get to hold each other at night and appreciate one thing or many things that day. It's very rewarding to hear an appreciation from your partner. It reinforces the greatness of efforts.

We teach couples to reinforce those small efforts when a habit is being changed. A habit change to cleaning in the kitchen has increased because of encouragement in our relationship.

The small attempts needs positive reinforcement in order to want to be done again.

When our son receives an outcome that he likes for whatever action he did, he will most likely do it again. If he doesn't like the outcome, he will less likely do it again.

Same goes for us and probably others too. For example:

• If a child is continuously hurt or scared by the experience of getting his haircutt, that will condition him either to create an aversion or avoid getting haircutts in the future.
• In contrast, if the parent is reassuring and supportive through the process and a child gets a lollipop at the end of the haircutt, this outcome will condition a desirable experience for the child.

The key element is pairing:

• If a woman resorts to insulting her partner when he refuses to talk about feelings it will condition him to avoid the situation or react defensively. If you pair talking about sensitive issues and hurt feelings with nagging and disrespect then the situation becomes undesirable.
• If you pair talking about a senstive topic with kind words, respect, and warmth then the situation becomes desirable, and even sought after.

Learn more on BF Skinner's theory.