How to Grow a Happier Relationship

A true home is our sanctuary, a place where we feel safe and loved. It is wonderful to be able to come home and know that there is someone there that loves us and welcomes us everyday. Or to know that the person coming home loves us and nurtures us and our needs. A place of protection and an abode of love. We all want a strong and stable marriage that respects our needs and gives us a special place. What can we contribute from ourselves to maintain this or reach it if we do not have that yet?

• Be Clear about Your Needs. "I don't want..." pushes away the ones you love. "I want..." sends a clear message that is direct and respectful. When you order ice cream, you don't say "I don't want rocky road", and then the ice-cream shop employee responds, "What would you like?" "Eh, I don't want rocky road, or vanilla, or chocolate chip." "What would you Like?" "Can't you hear me, I don't want that, give me what I want." "What do you want?"

• Verbalize & Actualize Your Feelings. Your partner will be reminded of your affection and be happy more often when they know of your affection. If you are asking your partner to also let you know of their affection, it is wonderful to give them that attention the way they want it also. Lyrics from "That's how you know" (Enchanted) are as follows..."How does she know that you really, really, truely love her? Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind? Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday. That's how you know, that's how you know! He's your love... " These are daily investments into the relationship.

• Gratitude. Hearing a "Thank you" can be as strong as saying "I love you." At least one a day will keep the Therapist away. Complaints will feed negative reactions that will not be easily brushed away. Appreciations are the cleansing part of a relationship and the beginning of a Healthy Relationship, a place to start when the relationship has been through a lot of pain.

• Positivity. A gentleman in one of our classes told us that when his wife is positive even when in an argument, she becomes so much more attractive. Being positive is attractive! Also, positivity attracts more positivity. It's very hard to switch out and keep a chin up when things have been very delicate, and at the same time it is therapeutic to get our a smile and enthusiasm for life.

• Dreams do Come True! Our relationship (Lucinda & Alfred) when hitting the rocks seemed to be under water with no way out. Many professionals, and people that we respected, believed our marriage to fail because of many factors: the age we married (too young), our lack of education, low income, and for being young parents. We will be married six years this coming June and after heavy turmoil we were the only ones that believed we could fix our problems, and it only took us two...no one else. Our circumstances now are completely different from the ones we started in. Under our skin we have courage, hope, faith, enthusiasm, and we are conquerors. That is what we believe and we refuse to believe otherwise.

• Not One Size Fits All. Each relationship needs its own individualized plan. Our son has high-functioning autism and he receives an annual IEP (Individualized Education Plan) to keep up to speed on his goals and accomplishments. As a couple, we set our own annual plans for our marriage's stability and maintenance. Every couple has different needs, just like every single human being is different and unique, so are couples. There are the basic needs some may have in common, however, the detail and depth a relationship needs in order to succeed would benefit undergoing a customized plan to fit the needs of both people in the relationship. A couple wants to succeed together not apart.

• Nurture Each Other. Endure moments of growth together, and celebrate each other's success. It's comforting to be nurtured. The place where you are loved is the place where you will call home. Your home is your sanctuary.

 It is important to feel loved and respected in your home. It is a place where you rest and spend your leisure time away from work. Even with children, the quality time spent human to human is priceless and irreplaceable.

Happy Parents Happy Kids

Many countries (except the United States) celebrate Día del Niño (Children's Day) one day a year. Even China and Japan. A great day for a child to just feel special no matter what is going on around them. With Mother's Day here and Father's Day around the corner, these days are wonderful to celebrate as an entire family. Recently released by the U.S. Census Bureau this past November 2009, there are approximately 26% of children (21.8 million children) living in a single parent home in the U.S. Not many have the privilege to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day with both biological parents. In 2008 California Healthy Marriage Coalition surveyed 2,500 Californian adults and within them, "69% of previously divorced respondents believe their own divorce 'negatively affected their children' to some or to a great extent."

Michael Reagan's Definition of Divorce (son of Ronald Reagan):
"Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess." 

Who role models good communication skills to children?

Almost all the couples we have met in our workshops that are parents, are concerned with their role modeling. Many parents don't want to be a defective example to their children. Yet our own parents didn't know the best communication skills and we learned from them how to talk in our interpersonal relationships.

One of the most valuable benefits that can come out of investing in a marriage, is the opportunity that it gives children to grow up with plenty of resources to nourish them. Parents that invest their time in marriage education, not only become good listeners and communicators to their spouse, but they also become good listeners and communicators to their children.

What do the kids get out of an investment in your marriage? 

• Love

• Financial Support

• Security

• Self-Esteem

• Attention

Our Son.

Our experience with our 4-year-old son that was diagnosed with a mild autistic disorder at the age of three has been an incredible one. He has improved exceptionally. Some of his service providers make statements that he doesn't have autism. Our son's success has only been possible through the love and priority we have given him. By fostering good communication and respect for each other we've been able to help our son reach his potential.

Although we put him as a priority, our marriage never has taken the back seat. In order to provide our son with the best intervention possible and maintain our marriage, we continuously work at it on a daily basis.

Happy Parents Happy Kids.

When we hit our bump in the road and we didn't know how to communicate, our son was our glue to never speak or behave disrespectfully in from of him. When we had poor skills and used sarcasm, criticism, sneering, and those mild attempts to irritate .... our son would catch us. Those moments were embarrassing because we wanted to behave like adults, not operate with defensiveness. Our son has taught us patience, positivity, humor, and given us unconditional love. 

Yesterday morning at breakfast time our son was near us when we gave each other a big kiss, and he embraced us by hugging our legs and said "kiss, kiss." We see he is most happy when we have our daily "family hugs" after school. All three of us cuddle and kiss each other's cheeks, then relax with our arms still around each other. A moment when he says, "I'm so happy."